How to Avoid Arguments, Deal with Disputes and Stop Fighting
Ukraine, Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq. Wars, terrorism, strikes, murders, divorce, splits in the church. Open the newspapers any day and practically every page will include stories of arguments, disputes and fighting.
When sin entered the world, arguments, disputes and fighting began. Adam blamed Eve. Cain murdered his brother. The history of the world ever since has been one of conflict of all kinds.
When people turn away from God, they start fighting one another. We see the breakdown of relationships wherever we look: broken marriages, broken homes, broken relationships at work, civil wars and wars between nations. Sadly, the church is not immune. Right from the start there have been arguments, disputes and in-fighting.
How should we handle conflict?
Proverbs 18:17-19:2
Avoid arguments
As always, Proverbs is full of practical advice on how to avoid arguments.
Listen to both sides
There are usually two sides to an argument, and it is always worth hearing both parties. The right of cross examination is an important one, with a vital place in any legal system. ‘The first speech in a court case is always convincing – until the cross-examination starts!’ (v.17, MSG).
Ask for the help of the Holy Spirit
We need God’s guidance especially when facing ‘tough decisions’ (v.18, MSG). In the Old Testament, ‘casting the lot’ was a way of settling disputes. However, with the outpouring of the Holy Spirit there are better ways of receiving God’s guidance over disputes (see 1 Corinthians 6:1–6).
Avoid unnecessary offence
We need to do everything we possibly can to avoid offending our brothers and sisters. ‘An offended relative is more unyielding than a fortified city’ (Proverbs 18:19). Serious disputes create barriers among friends. These walls are easy to erect and extremely hard to pull down.
Choose your words carefully
We need to be very careful in what we say. Our words can bring great satisfaction and heal division: ‘Words satisfy the mind as much as fruit does the stomach; good talk is as gratifying as a good harvest’ (v.20, MSG).
Yet words can also bring destruction: ‘Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit – you choose’ (v.21, MSG). As Joyce Meyer writes, the words we speak ‘carry either a life-giving force or a destructive force.’ We can do great good or great damage with what we say.
Choose your companions carefully
I don’t know whether it is coincidence that it is in this context that the writer says, ‘Find a good spouse, you find a good life – and even more: the favour of God!’ (v.22, MSG). It is certainly true in my experience that Pippa’s wisdom, advice and involvement have often helped me to avoid getting into trouble in this area. A good husband or wife can often be a peacemaker.
Whether we are married or not, what we need are really close friends. The second part of this proverb reminds us that while friends come and go, ‘There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother or sister’ (v.24b). These are the sorts of friends we need in our lives. Ultimately, of course, Jesus is the friend who sticks closer than a brother or sister.
‘Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips’ (Psalm 141:3). Lord, help us in all we do and say to avoid unnecessary offence and disputes. Forgive me for times when I have upset other people. May my speech be a source of life to those around me.
1. Yes, Lord, may my speech be a source of life to those around me. Thank You for the Holy Spirit to help and guide me in my words.
2. Thank You for the social media, really. It helps in connecting people in all parts of the world.
3. Thank You for the gift of connection. May I use this more for Your glory.
